November 10, 2006

Well I've figured out a position to balance Jesse on my chest which allows me to type with both hands, so let's see if I can get this story down while I still remember it all.  

So around 9am on Tuesday I started getting contractions. Not bad but worse than usual (I still managed to make it through my 9-10am conference call). I had a Dr's appt at 11:15 and by then they were coming every 5 min. Not painful enough to where I'd be running to the hospital or anything but enough where I knew it was going to be that day (or so I thought at the time anyway!).

At the doctor’s my blood pressure was 150/90 - a tad high. But I was still only 2cm and very thick. Still, my doc figured I was in labor from my bp and was concerned about me getting to the hospital in time and such, so she said to call her at 3 and let her know the story (i.e. if we wanted to go in or not). She also had an induction date for me if that day wasn't *the* day - the 15th!! Well no way was I waiting until the 15th, so hard labor or not, I was going to the hospital.

We called mom and dad to watch the kids. They got there at 2pm - by then the contractions weren't much stronger but were about 3 minutes apart, so good enough. We left for the hospital at 2:15 after calling the doctor.

We got to the hospital 30 minutes later and spent the next half hour trying to find maternity and then answer the 8 bazillion questions necessary to get us into the actual labor and delivery area. Once in we were sent to "Room 1" (which is actually room 4901). We sat down and stared at each other for about 15 minutes. We both agreed it was a good thing I wasn't in any actual pain because there was not a soul to be found! Finally a nurse came in, said hi, grabbed a light, and left. Huh.

A few minutes later our nurse finally came in and gave me a gown and I got changed.

My blood pressure was now 135/85 and my pulse was in the 130s. A resident checked me and I was 3cm and 20% effaced. He drilled me on any cardiac issues in my past or in my family. I explained I was thirsty. His answer equated to that being irrelevant and also too darned bad because I wouldn't be getting anything to drink for quite some time. In any case he talked to my doctor and I was there to stay so I was being admitted. Alright - things were rolling!

The nurse came back and said my veins were terrible and so she had to put the IV in the crook of my elbow. I asked if that would be a problem if I was lying on my side and she said of course not (note foreshadowing here). She started fluids and antibiotics since I was Group B positive.

At 5 there was a shift change for the residents (3 is shift change for nurses - just fyi) so a new resident came in and checked me. Still 3cm and 20%. Also, did I know that my pulse was in the 130s? Again ensued the cardiac questions. Contractions seemed to be picking up a bit - they were small on the monitor but spaced 2-3 min apart. I asked the nurse if I could have a couple pillows and she said she'd have to send someone to a different floor to find some. I stared at her.

At 5:30 my doctor arrived and checked me. Same. While she was in there she turned my cervix inside out and rearranged various other internal organs. My contractions came to a screeching halt. When she came back in at 6 I hadn't had a contraction in 30 minutes and asked if we could just start the pitocin. She said sure, right away.

Josh and I made polite conversation for a while.

At 6:45 a nurse came in to tell me that she was covering while my nurse was away did I need anything. Umm, yeah, pitocin. Oh, we'll do that as soon as she's back, the nurse assures me. This is when I first started to realize that these nurses lie. So I asked for a blanket instead (all had was a sheet). She informed me that they are out of blankets. Out of blankets?!?! At least she brought me a sheet from the warmer, so that's almost like a blanket - at least for about 20 minutes.

At 7:15 the resident comes in to say that there's a c-section that's just ended but caused a nursing shortage on the floor for the past hour and a half. Well geez, why didn't the nurse just say that?! Anyway, since it had just ended, she was sure we'd be starting my pitocin any minute.

At 8 my nurse finally showed up and got the pitocin started.

A relatively uneventful couple of hours came next - with the nurse mostly remembering to turn my pitocin up every 30 minutes. I met a very nice med student who explained the contraction monitor to me and then asked if this was my first. When I said it was my fourth he gave the same shocked look that I had gotten from every other person who had asked me and then apologized for having explained the contraction monitor to me. Cute. He wanted to know if I knew that my pulse was high and had I had a history of cardiac problems.

I met a rather odd EKG tech who passed the time that he was hooking me up for an EKG telling me about an incredibly large woman he had to do an EKG on and how he had to tip her backwards/upside down on the table so that he could get under her breasts to hook up the electrodes and so he couldn't see her head because it was blocked by her breasts. huh. As a side note, the EKG tech was the only one who didn't think my pulse was all that fast, and my EKG was fine.

At 11 was the next nursing shift change and that's when my nurse - the walking idiot, let's call her Agnes (name changed to protect the idiot), was assigned to me. I met her just after the resident was checking me and proclaiming that I was still 3cm, maybe 40% effaced, and the baby was so high she couldn't even break my water. Great. I also finally met the actual doctor that would be delivering me who said he'd prefer for me to get into a good rhythm before breaking my water and if I wanted an epidural I could do it before having my water broken. I told him the same thing I'd told everyone else that had asked - I wasn't sure if I wanted an epidural yet. Truth is I didn't want one, but I also know that I have a breaking point...

So anyway, now is when things started to get interesting. Around 11 :30 my contractions went from not that bad and 3 minutes apart to holyfreakin-cow and 1-2 minutes apart with about 15-30 seconds in between. The only position that I could manage to deal with them in was sitting up in bed and sort of rocking back and forth a little. It was rough but I was surviving.

But Agnes was not happy - my rocking was screwing with the heart monitor thingy and they weren't picking up the baby the whole time. Of course, that's not what she said when she came in to tell me to get on my left side - what she said was that she didn't like the baby's reaction to the contractions and I needed to lie down. Well fine, I got on my left side.

The contractions were WAY worse and try as I might to relax my body through them, I could only cope by grabbing the bed handles with both hands. This crooked my left arm, the one with the IV, which upset Agnes tremendously. I guess the IV wasn't running in properly. So every time I had a contraction she would remind me to straighten my arm and then go ahead and 'help me" straighten it.

By now the contractions were REALLY bad - I think the pitocin caught up with me all at once. Every time Agnes touched my IV I wanted to beat her severely. Then she decided more people needed to touch it and so 4 or 6 nurses came in and took turns complaining about how it sucked. Then 3 or 4 more came in and said they didn't see any other vein. Holy crap - just give me the bag of goo and I'll drink it - I'm thirsty enough!!

The resident asks again if I want the epidural. I say that if she checks me and tells me I'm still 3 then yes, and if I'm 7 then no. So at 1 am she checks me and I'm still 3 - I mean good god! She says she's going to break my water and I say let's get that epidural first. She says sure.

So I notice that Agnes is not busying herself with calling the epidural guy. I'm so distraught from still being 3 and from hating her that I can barely function and the contractions are coming fast and strong. I can tell Josh is trying to refrain from beating her as well. I ask how long before the epidural and she says she has to get another IV bag hung and 500 in before they call. I stared at her in disbelief. By now I've been here over 10 hours and had several IV bags in me and 2 rounds of antibiotics and we have to wait for MORE on an IV that 18 nurses agree sucks??? So HOW LONG I say. Oh, that won't take long she assures me.

At 1 :45 Agnes says she called the epidural guy and he's on his way but has to do one other patient first. So about a half hour? I ask her. On no, she says, they only take about 5 minutes. What am I - NEW??? This is my fourth kid - I KNOW how long an epidural takes. I don't have time to argue between contractions (I'm back to sitting up - screw her - every time she tells me to lie down I say I have to use the bathroom and proceed to take my damn time, then repeat). I'm not screaming but I'm darn close.

I tell her I want some staydol. She tells me that staydol will make me sleepy - so sleepy that I won't be able to sit up to get the epidural, and that it will last several hours so my epidural would be delayed for quite some time. Again, I did NOT just fall off the turnip truck - I mean really, those of you that have had it know it lasts for all of 10 minutes and barely does a damn thing. I tell her she's full of shit and I want it - ask the resident.

So the resident comes in and says I can have it but she's worried about the baby because the heart rate keeps dropping during contractions. I don't have time in my 5 seconds between contractions to explain that the heartrate does NOT keep dropping - they keeping losing it because Agnes the walking idiot hasn't figured out to just move the probe up higher where my leg won't hit it while I rock. However, since I am a mother, on the off chance that the resident wasn't also an idiot, I said fine, I'll wait for the epidural but I'm not lying down. The got me a birthing ball.

The birthing ball was surprisingly comfortable. By sticking out my right leg I could rock through the contractions and still keep the heartbeat probe functioning. Don't get me wrong, I was still in A LOT of pain, but being able to move around made an enormous difference.

So finally the epidural guy arrived around 2:15. Funny, took him about half an hour - huh! I got situated on the edge of the bed and Josh got kicked out on the room. The times I've done this before the nurse has said to lean on her and has sort of held my shoulders. Agnes wasn't that kind of girl I guess - she gave me a pillow to hug. Luckily I understood how important it was not to move. So I'm sitting there having a contraction and hugging my pillow and Agnes is slipping a blood pressure cuff on me. NOW?! I exclaimed. She looked shocked that I would speak to her in such a voice. Then she clipped my finger with the pulse reader thingy. Good thing because I had been planning to use that finger to poke her eyes out, but now the finger was otherwise engaged.

The epidural guy informs me I have scoliosis. Yeah, fine, whatever, just go to work (I think to myself - one does not make fun of people giving epidurals!!).

So by 2:45 I've got the world's greatest epidural and am comfortably lying down halfway on my right side (there was just a little patch on the right side of my stomach where I could still feel the contractions, but I didn't mind that). I could move my right leg but not feel anything, I could almost sort of inch my left leg around. It was perfect. Of course, every part of my body and especially my teeth were shaking violently, but whatever.

Josh went to ask for another warm sheet but the nurses at the nurses station said they were out of anything even resembling a blanket.

At 3am the resident comes in to break my water. Agnes is standing there and the resident tells her to give her some fundal pressure by pushing down on it. Agnes stares into space so I do it myself by pushing on my stomach. The resident checks me and I'm 4cm. The sweet but skiddish med student from earlier politely asks me if he could check me as well. Go nuts I say, I have an epidural. He checks me and then thanks me profusely. I tell the resident not to go too far, I was planning to have this baby by 4:30am. Oh hee hee, everyone has a good laugh.

The resident wants to put the head probe on the baby to get a better heartbeat read out. I point out that the heartbeat readout has been fine since I had the epidural and so forget it. She says fine, how about an internal contraction monitor (doesn't touch the baby), I say fine.

So everyone but Josh and Agnes leave. I ask Agnes how the contractions look now and she says they are very strong - must have been a problem with the probe before (when they were barely showing up and everyone thought I was just a drama queen). No duh! I asked how long after birth before I can have something to drink and she says about an hour. We'll see about that I think to myself.

At 3:45 I ask Agnes if she could take a peak down there and see if there was a head coming out. She asked if I wanted her to get the resident to check me. Didn't I just say what I wanted? Ok, fine, call the resident. So the resident comes in and I just say there's a little pressure and I wanted to just make sure a kid wasn't going to come flying out when only Agnes the wonder idiot would be there to deal with it. She takes a look and yes, there is a head coming out. However, the doctor is busy delivering the woman next door.

The doctor pops over to ask if we're serious and also asks if I have an epidural. I say hey - I'm fine, greatest epidural ever, take your time.

At 4am in march the doctor, the resident, and the med student. Agnes breaks down the table and hands me my leg. Josh holds the other one. The resident tells me to stop pushing. I tell her I'm not pushing.

Agnes positions the mirror so I can see - the one useful thing she does all night. His head is at least an inch out of me already and we haven't started yet!!

At this point I should stop complaining quite so much because I am so thankful I had the epidural. Of all my kids this was the most amazing actual birth experience. I can see Jesse coming out and I'm just lying there, enjoying the show. The doctor, resident, and med student are finally ready and tell me to push. I give a mini-push - just a little one - and the rest of his head comes out. I can feel the whole thing happening but it doesn't hurt. It's amazing! Really incredible.

All 3 of them say to stop pushing. No problem. I stare into the mirror while they get ready and with one more push I watch him come out all the way. wow. I can still see it in my head and am so amazing. The rest of the night just didn't matter.

They put him on my stomach but Agnes had trouble trying to clean him up so high so I told her to go ahead and go clean him and then bring him back.

The doctor, resident, and med student stitched me up - the doctor directed, the resident did the stitches, and the med student stood awkwardly with some scissors just to scare me. Sometimes he would get to cut something and I would think "please be careful please be careful".

I ask the doctor if I can have apple juice and he says sure, have all you want. I want to take the 1st cup and throw it at Agnes.

Josh leaves around 5 and I stay in the delivery room nursing my sweet little man. Agnes says I'll be in my recovery room in an hour. Agnes lies, but who cares.

The utterly amazing incompetence is somewhat less so once in recovery, but I'll spare you the details. Bottom line is we're all fine now.

Well that's Jesse's story. 7lbs 1oz 20 inches born at 4:05am. An amazing addition to our family, and the last one. He completes us.