December 31, 2006

My New Year's Resolutions

I resolve to use my video camera more.

The issue is that I did not follow through on last year's resolution to slow down time, to keep these kids from growing up so fast. So this year I'm trying to be more realistic and just use the video camera to capture more and then watch it later and transport back.

I can't believe another year is ending.

I can't believe Timothy is four and a half feet tall and upwards of 70lbs. I can't believe he asked me what an orgy was the other day. I can't believe little girls send him notes to meet at the swing set at recess. I can't believe that he's in the 3rd grade learning cursive. Where did my baby go? Where is my toddler that learned to order from the McDonald's drive thru before he could actually talk? Where's the little boy who needed 3 binkies to go to bed, the little boy I rocked to sleep, the little boy I comforted when he woke up from nightmares. Where is my kindergartner with his clothes on backwards? Now he towers over his sister and cousins and before long will tower over me. Now he gets up in the middle of the night to be sick and doesn't bother waking us. Now he corrects my grammar and time telling abilities. So for Timothy I resolve to remember that he's still my baby and still needs to be hugged and held each day. He still needs my patience and encouragement. With any luck for a while longer anyway, he still needs me.

With Morgan it's a little different. I sometimes equate raising an autistic child to parenting in slow motion. Accomplishments are sometimes harder to see, but easier to appreciate. Still, I can't believe that just a short time ago he wasn't speaking. He wouldn't walk down the hallway at school on his own. He couldn't go to a store without us singing Old MacDonald over and over again to calm him. He screamed every time the car came to a stop. Now he can work a computer, the internet, the game systems, and the dvd player. He can count and spell and is starting to read. He is my gentle giant most times, and my not-so-gentle giant at other times. So for Morgan I resolve to remember that he's still my baby and still needs to be hugged and held each day. He still needs my patience and encouragement. With any luck for a while longer anyway, he still needs me.

Jocelyn is still adjusting to not being the baby. I was looking through pictures from the beginning of the year and forgot that she had no hair. She wasn't walking, she wasn't talking, and in fact I was worried about her lack of talking. She wasn't sleeping through the night. Now she runs around the house yelling her brothers' names. She puts her doll in her little tikes shopping cart and walks around the house. She tickles the doll and laughs and hugs it. She pretends to serve me tea. She points out every baby she sees. So for Jocelyn I resolve to remember that she's still my baby and still needs to be hugged and held each day. She still needs my patience and encouragement. With any luck for a while longer anyway, she still needs me.

And then of course there's Jesse. He IS the baby. A year ago he wasn't even conceived. What an amazing transformation he's made this year! From a handful of cells to a full term baby with his father's good looks. He needs more of me than the others this coming year, as he did in the last. But then I know he'll grow big like the others and while I won't miss the sleep deprivation, I'll miss smelling his warm head and tickling his toes to keep him awake while he eats. So for Jesse I resolve to remember that he's still my baby and still needs to be hugged and held each day. He still needs my patience and encouragement. With any luck for a while longer anyway, he still needs me.

But for me I resolve to try once again to slow down time. To smell all their heads and hold them tight. To tickle them daily and kiss them goodnight. To watch them with wonder, to listen to them play. To appreciate each of them for exactly what they are - my sole reason for being.

And just in case that doesn't work as well as I'd hope, I resolve to use my video camera more.