Timothy had long flappy feet and long long fingers when we brought him home. Morgan was a fat thing with an old man's receding hair line. Jocelyn had blonde peach fuzz that made her head glow. Jesse always looked like he knew something we didn't.
I have a little secret. I find my kids fascinating. They are alike and different all at the same time. They are like me and not like me. They are like Josh and not like Josh.
Jocelyn visits us in the evenings after bedtime and brings us pictures and stories and I love it. I tell her how smart she is and she giggles with joy and squeals. I tell her how beautiful she is and she says, "I know."
Sometimes at night when I'm just settled into bed I see Jesse dart out of his room into the bathroom. Then he comes into my room and asks for bubbly water and I give him a sip and hug him and I don't want to let him go. He hugs me back and goes back to bed. In the morning I wake up when he tiptoes into my room and I keep my eyes closed for a minute and wait for him to put his face close to mine and breathe on me. Then I open my eyes and lift up the blanket and he crawls up next to me and cuddles me.
Morgan hugged me the other day and almost knocked me over. He still doesn't know he's big. He giggles and asks for tickles. I wonder at how he's an extrovert. We've been home for a week now and he's been asking to have a shower and go in the car and go to Grandma and Grandpa's or go on the bus. He wants to be around people. That's just so interesting to me. I remember when he used to spin plates and saw a quote recently that even God is a little autistic and that's why the planets spin. It made me smile.
Timothy's a funny kid in a grown man's body. His feet grew over a size in the last 6 weeks. He laughs at things I don't think he should understand. He was my sensitive toddler that called me beautiful every day and now when I hug him I'm reminded that he's taller than I am. I knew it would happen, of course, that he would outgrow me physically. I knew it would happen "some day"...
Tomorrow I will have known Josh half my life. Half my life is what it took to make all this. How could I ever think myself a failure? I find it difficult if not impossible to be humble. Look what I have accomplished, what WE have accomplished, in less than 20 years. I could lead a fulfilled life just watching what happens next.
If we did all this in less than 20 years, I can't imagine what they will do with the next 20.
But for now I will enjoy today. I will pretend Timothy is laughing just to join-in and not because he knows more than I think he does. I will tickle Morgan's tummy like he's a 3 year old. I will read Jocelyn's phonetic stories and smile and laugh at the right places. I will cuddle Jesse. I will tell them all they can be anything and do anything they want, anything they can imagine.
Because they can. And I'll be happy to just watch.
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